Psychologists from the University of Michigan, who carried out the study, discovered the biggest aggravation was between parents and grown-up offspring, even when those 'children' are middle-aged themselves.
The tension is worst between adult daughters and their mothers, reversing the traditional image of arguments between fathers and rebellious sons.
But the rows are often about the same basic subject no matter what the age: the children's anger at their parents trying to run their lives.
When young it could be over being told how to dress or to turn the music down but when old it is often about grandparents telling their son or daughter how to bring up their own children.
Psychologists examined the relationship between nearly 500 sets of parents and adult children aged 22 and upwards, in some cases into middle age.
In each case parents and children lived with 50 miles of each other and all were asked to write down details of conversations, problems in the past and perceived personality differences.
Researchers, whose findings are to be published in the journal Psychology and Aging, said: "A majority of parents and adult children experience some tension and aggravation with one another."
Parents feel the tension more acutely than the children and the older the grown-up child, the more the tension felt by their mother or father.
Mothers, in particularly, felt worse than fathers about the relationship with their children and that the biggest problems were with their daughters and their sons.
Daughters also tend to have more contact with their parents than sons which means there is more scope for getting on each other's nerves, said the report's authors.
Kira Birditt, who led the study, said: "The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting social ties human beings establish.
"This tie is often highly positive and supportive but it also commonly includes feelings of irritation, tension and ambivalence."
Parents are often more upset with their children than vice versa because they have "more invested in the relationship" said the study.
When parents get upset with their grown-up children it is more likely to be over subjects like the general behaviour or financial matters, it added.
When grown-ups get upset with their parents - and mothers in particular - it is more likely to be because of interfering with the way they are bringing up their own children.
Birditt added: "It may be that children feel their mothers make more demands for closeness or that they are generally more intrusive than fathers.
"Relationship problems like basic personality differences and parents providing unsolicited advice tend to cause more problems."
While most issues can be easily sorted out, tensions may also exist because of deep-rooted personality differences between parent and child, no matter how old the child is.
On a positive note, Birditt found most problems were sorted out constructively by both parents and children and as both parties get older they try more to understand the other's point of view.
She said: "The old adage, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all,' isn't good advice for parents and adult children.
"Avoidance doesn't work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. It appears to make things worse."
Psychologists from the University of Michigan, who carried out the study, discovered the biggest aggravation was between parents and grown-up offspring, even when those 'children' are middle-aged themselves.
The tension is worst between adult daughters and their mothers, reversing the traditional image of arguments between fathers and rebellious sons.
But the rows are often about the same basic subject no matter what the age: the children's anger at their parents trying to run their lives.
When young it could be over being told how to dress or to turn the music down but when old it is often about grandparents telling their son or daughter how to bring up their own children.
Psychologists examined the relationship between nearly 500 sets of parents and adult children aged 22 and upwards, in some cases into middle age.
In each case parents and children lived with 50 miles of each other and all were asked to write down details of conversations, problems in the past and perceived personality differences.
Researchers, whose findings are to be published in the journal Psychology and Aging, said: "A majority of parents and adult children experience some tension and aggravation with one another."
Parents feel the tension more acutely than the children and the older the grown-up child, the more the tension felt by their mother or father.
Mothers, in particularly, felt worse than fathers about the relationship with their children and that the biggest problems were with their daughters and their sons.
Daughters also tend to have more contact with their parents than sons which means there is more scope for getting on each other's nerves, said the report's authors.
Kira Birditt, who led the study, said: "The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting social ties human beings establish.
"This tie is often highly positive and supportive but it also commonly includes feelings of irritation, tension and ambivalence."
Parents are often more upset with their children than vice versa because they have "more invested in the relationship" said the study.
When parents get upset with their grown-up children it is more likely to be over subjects like the general behaviour or financial matters, it added.
When grown-ups get upset with their parents - and mothers in particular - it is more likely to be because of interfering with the way they are bringing up their own children.
Birditt added: "It may be that children feel their mothers make more demands for closeness or that they are generally more intrusive than fathers.
"Relationship problems like basic personality differences and parents providing unsolicited advice tend to cause more problems."
While most issues can be easily sorted out, tensions may also exist because of deep-rooted personality differences between parent and child, no matter how old the child is.
On a positive note, Birditt found most problems were sorted out constructively by both parents and children and as both parties get older they try more to understand the other's point of view.
She said: "The old adage, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all,' isn't good advice for parents and adult children.
"Avoidance doesn't work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. It appears to make things worse."
Part 1 Of all the relationships in our lives those with our family are the most difficult to manage with equanimity. So why do we have more problems interacting with family members than with strangers? Well, firstly family members know us with all our faults and imperfections. they know our arrogance, our fears and foibles and our reaction to certain stimuli. Maybe at times, they even use these stimuli to manipulate us. Our family members have seen us at our best and at our worst. They are difficult to deceive. They know us. They see through our “face for the world”. We all have rules by which we live and the rules that govern our relationship with our family are a set apart. What do you expect from your family? Do you expect the television version of happy families? Were we expected to believe that this way is the best? Unfortunately, I think many did.
A family is made up of a number of individuals each having his or her own rules as to how a family should act. Fathers and mothers make rules for their children. They model their own behavior on these rules, and expect their children to follow them. In turn the children develop their own rules, usually based on the model set by the parents.
But what happens when others are introduced into this tight knit family unit – son marries, daughter becomes engaged to be married. Here are more people with their own rules, values, faults and imperfections (although the faults and imperfections may not be immediately obvious).
Then grandchildren are born. Their parents set rules and boundaries by which they will raise their children and on which they expect their children to base their own lives. In today’s world, where many families have both parents working, grandparents are having an increasing influence on grandchildren’s lives. They then have to juggle their own rules and values with those of the children’s parents. I suggest this is not always easy. And as the grandchildren grow and set their own rules and values the mix becomes even more complicated.
Part 2 So it is clear that family relationships need more attention than we usually give to them. For most of us it is a given that the family is there. We may say “If I need them I can call upon them and they are there for me.” But is this enough?
How about your family relationships? Is it time you sat down with the family members and discussed how you each see your place in the family structure – grandfather, grandmother, sons and daughters, their spouses and children. And in today’s world there are often even more levels of this relationship. If one or other party has been divorced, or a spouse or partner has died and a new person has been introduced into the family, the structure will change. What of his or her values, rules and own family as you try to integrate them into your family?
Is it time to have conversations with individual members of the family? Perhaps there is a sibling or son or daughter with whom your relationship is not as it should be. How can you change this? Often just taking time to sit down together undisturbed, talking about your feelings can bring out the desired a change in the relationship. Be open and honest with each other but not judgmental. It is often very difficult to leave out the judgment critic. Remember you each have equal rights to voice your thoughts and feelings. Listen to the other person; it’s very likely you will learn something.
You will have to set some rules for this engagement. Maybe it needs to be in an independent space, neither person’s home or office. A coffee shop during a quiet period would be ideal. Just as long as you are both comfortable with the location. Then set the rules and boundaries. This should not be the opportunity for a slanging match or verbal abuse. It is not meant to become a battle field. Before the meeting think “calmness, balance, poise, good temper etc”.
So it’s worth a try. You have nothing to lose and much to gain. Then when you see it work with one person try it on any other family with whom you think you have a problem. Perhaps you can begin an ever increasing circle of peace and harmony.
Tmax, your information about American scientists studies is exiting! It gived a lot of information about "family relations". I was surprised and enjoyed reading your message, thanks you for your work.
Psychologists from the University of Michigan, who carried out the study, discovered the biggest aggravation was between parents and grown-up offspring, even when those 'children' are middle-aged themselves.
ОтветитьУдалитьThe tension is worst between adult daughters and their mothers, reversing the traditional image of arguments between fathers and rebellious sons.
But the rows are often about the same basic subject no matter what the age: the children's anger at their parents trying to run their lives.
When young it could be over being told how to dress or to turn the music down but when old it is often about grandparents telling their son or daughter how to bring up their own children.
Psychologists examined the relationship between nearly 500 sets of parents and adult children aged 22 and upwards, in some cases into middle age.
In each case parents and children lived with 50 miles of each other and all were asked to write down details of conversations, problems in the past and perceived personality differences.
Researchers, whose findings are to be published in the journal Psychology and Aging, said: "A majority of parents and adult children experience some tension and aggravation with one another."
Parents feel the tension more acutely than the children and the older the grown-up child, the more the tension felt by their mother or father.
Mothers, in particularly, felt worse than fathers about the relationship with their children and that the biggest problems were with their daughters and their sons.
Daughters also tend to have more contact with their parents than sons which means there is more scope for getting on each other's nerves, said the report's authors.
Kira Birditt, who led the study, said: "The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting social ties human beings establish.
"This tie is often highly positive and supportive but it also commonly includes feelings of irritation, tension and ambivalence."
Parents are often more upset with their children than vice versa because they have "more invested in the relationship" said the study.
When parents get upset with their grown-up children it is more likely to be over subjects like the general behaviour or financial matters, it added.
When grown-ups get upset with their parents - and mothers in particular - it is more likely to be because of interfering with the way they are bringing up their own children.
Birditt added: "It may be that children feel their mothers make more demands for closeness or that they are generally more intrusive than fathers.
"Relationship problems like basic personality differences and parents providing unsolicited advice tend to cause more problems."
While most issues can be easily sorted out, tensions may also exist because of deep-rooted personality differences between parent and child, no matter how old the child is.
On a positive note, Birditt found most problems were sorted out constructively by both parents and children and as both parties get older they try more to understand the other's point of view.
She said: "The old adage, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all,' isn't good advice for parents and adult children.
"Avoidance doesn't work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. It appears to make things worse."
Psychologists from the University of Michigan, who carried out the study, discovered the biggest aggravation was between parents and grown-up offspring, even when those 'children' are middle-aged themselves.
ОтветитьУдалитьThe tension is worst between adult daughters and their mothers, reversing the traditional image of arguments between fathers and rebellious sons.
But the rows are often about the same basic subject no matter what the age: the children's anger at their parents trying to run their lives.
When young it could be over being told how to dress or to turn the music down but when old it is often about grandparents telling their son or daughter how to bring up their own children.
Psychologists examined the relationship between nearly 500 sets of parents and adult children aged 22 and upwards, in some cases into middle age.
In each case parents and children lived with 50 miles of each other and all were asked to write down details of conversations, problems in the past and perceived personality differences.
Researchers, whose findings are to be published in the journal Psychology and Aging, said: "A majority of parents and adult children experience some tension and aggravation with one another."
Parents feel the tension more acutely than the children and the older the grown-up child, the more the tension felt by their mother or father.
Mothers, in particularly, felt worse than fathers about the relationship with their children and that the biggest problems were with their daughters and their sons.
Daughters also tend to have more contact with their parents than sons which means there is more scope for getting on each other's nerves, said the report's authors.
Kira Birditt, who led the study, said: "The parent-child relationship is one of the longest lasting social ties human beings establish.
"This tie is often highly positive and supportive but it also commonly includes feelings of irritation, tension and ambivalence."
Parents are often more upset with their children than vice versa because they have "more invested in the relationship" said the study.
When parents get upset with their grown-up children it is more likely to be over subjects like the general behaviour or financial matters, it added.
When grown-ups get upset with their parents - and mothers in particular - it is more likely to be because of interfering with the way they are bringing up their own children.
Birditt added: "It may be that children feel their mothers make more demands for closeness or that they are generally more intrusive than fathers.
"Relationship problems like basic personality differences and parents providing unsolicited advice tend to cause more problems."
While most issues can be easily sorted out, tensions may also exist because of deep-rooted personality differences between parent and child, no matter how old the child is.
On a positive note, Birditt found most problems were sorted out constructively by both parents and children and as both parties get older they try more to understand the other's point of view.
She said: "The old adage, 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all,' isn't good advice for parents and adult children.
"Avoidance doesn't work as a strategy for dealing with conflicts. It appears to make things worse."
Part 1
ОтветитьУдалитьOf all the relationships in our lives those with our family are the most difficult to manage with equanimity.
So why do we have more problems interacting with family members than with strangers? Well, firstly family members know us with all our faults and imperfections. they know our arrogance, our fears and foibles and our reaction to certain stimuli. Maybe at times, they even use these stimuli to manipulate us.
Our family members have seen us at our best and at our worst. They are difficult to deceive. They know us. They see through our “face for the world”.
We all have rules by which we live and the rules that govern our relationship with our family are a set apart. What do you expect from your family? Do you expect the television version of happy families? Were we expected to believe that this way is the best? Unfortunately, I think many did.
A family is made up of a number of individuals each having his or her own rules as to how a family should act. Fathers and mothers make rules for their children. They model their own behavior on these rules, and expect their children to follow them. In turn the children develop their own rules, usually based on the model set by the parents.
But what happens when others are introduced into this tight knit family unit – son marries, daughter becomes engaged to be married. Here are more people with their own rules, values, faults and imperfections (although the faults and imperfections may not be immediately obvious).
Then grandchildren are born. Their parents set rules and boundaries by which they will raise their children and on which they expect their children to base their own lives. In today’s world, where many families have both parents working, grandparents are having an increasing influence on grandchildren’s lives. They then have to juggle their own rules and values with those of the children’s parents. I suggest this is not always easy. And as the grandchildren grow and set their own rules and values the mix becomes even more complicated.
Part 2
ОтветитьУдалитьSo it is clear that family relationships need more attention than we usually give to them. For most of us it is a given that the family is there. We may say “If I need them I can call upon them and they are there for me.” But is this enough?
How about your family relationships? Is it time you sat down with the family members and discussed how you each see your place in the family structure – grandfather, grandmother, sons and daughters, their spouses and children. And in today’s world there are often even more levels of this relationship. If one or other party has been divorced, or a spouse or partner has died and a new person has been introduced into the family, the structure will change. What of his or her values, rules and own family as you try to integrate them into your family?
Is it time to have conversations with individual members of the family? Perhaps there is a sibling or son or daughter with whom your relationship is not as it should be. How can you change this? Often just taking time to sit down together undisturbed, talking about your feelings can bring out the desired a change in the relationship. Be open and honest with each other but not judgmental. It is often very difficult to leave out the judgment critic. Remember you each have equal rights to voice your thoughts and feelings. Listen to the other person; it’s very likely you will learn something.
You will have to set some rules for this engagement. Maybe it needs to be in an independent space, neither person’s home or office. A coffee shop during a quiet period would be ideal. Just as long as you are both comfortable with the location. Then set the rules and boundaries. This should not be the opportunity for a slanging match or verbal abuse. It is not meant to become a battle field. Before the meeting think “calmness, balance, poise, good temper etc”.
So it’s worth a try. You have nothing to lose and much to gain. Then when you see it work with one person try it on any other family with whom you think you have a problem. Perhaps you can begin an ever increasing circle of peace and harmony.
Tmax, your information about American scientists studies is exiting! It gived a lot of information about "family relations". I was surprised and enjoyed reading your message, thanks you for your work.
ОтветитьУдалить